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How Dead the Mariners Are

Deus Ex Machina

Oct 4, 2025 · 24 min

Before I start on my own melodramatic piece, I’d like to formally recognize Alex Johanson for putting this podcast together. He had the idea for the muckbang, hosted it at Zander’s apartment, and did all the editing. And I think this may be our best piece yet.

I’m actually writing this on Friday morning (🫢), but I thought it’d be shrewd to have it sent out four hours before the first pitch of the Mariners’ five-game muckbang with the Detroit Tigers. And you can thank SoberTober for that business savvy.

As I’ve been eagerly repeating to anyone who’ll listen, as I think it makes me sound smart, lately it’s become increasingly difficult for me to maintain my negativity towards this Mariners team with any sort of conviction. ‘Hope’ is such an ugly, ugly word, obviously, but even I must admit that this team’s performance over the past month has filled me with what can only be called, for lack of a better word, hope.

So here’s to the next five hours of blissful ignorance — ignorance to what shall transpire between now and 2100 PST; ignorance to the throes of futility that inevitably befall this franchise between first pitch and final sundown; ignorance, albeit short-lived, to the crushing sobriety that must follow tonight’s loss.

In the words of Andy Dufresne, “Hope is a dangerous, dangerous thing.” Let us not forget that.



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